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Complicated

So my book signing at Barnes & Noble is Saturday. I am thrilled to get this underway and hope the turnout is good.

I have been going through and dealing with some very complicated things in my personal life. Suffice to say, I am trying to push through but that does not seem to be working much anymore. I continue to write because it distracts me from that reality but sooner or later I am going to have to be honest with myself.

Mental illness is a tricky thing. Its a hard thing. Its a complicated thing. One day you’re fine, the next day you’re not and you’re not even sure why. I haven’t been okay in a while even though I have been telling everyone that I am. I wear a mask in everyday life but that mask is starting to crack and fall apart. My ruse at some point will no longer work. I do not want to go into much detail about everything as there are people I would prefer not know everything.

This post ended up being sadder than I expected it to be but if I can’t be honest on my own blog, where else can I be? Mental illness is kicking me in the face. I am treading water and no longer have the energy to even try and swim. I find solace in my writing because besides my relationship, it’s about all I have left to cling to.

But again, on a lighter note. I hope to see you at my signing Saturday if you’re in the area. Good tidings and happy days to you all.

A. Rose

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Waiting is Torture

I am so ready to get this book out there and the wait is driving me crazy. I know, editing and formatting are things that cannot be skipped. These things are really the most crucial part of the process but I am so ready.

I have been emailing bookstores and now I’m trying to find book reviewers as well. I am trying to really set myself up for the most success possible. I am terrible at self-promotion because I hate talking about myself. I always feel like I’m bragging or something and it makes me super uncomfortable. However, I am really going to have to get over that. Like super fast.

It is something that I work on in therapy constantly. Being able to believe in myself and stop selling myself short on everything I do. I have to learn that it’s okay to be proud of myself and it is okay to celebrate my accomplishments. But how on Earth do I do that? How does anyone really?

This is what is holding me back from having a release party. I want to do it but it would basically be an entire celebration about me. Truth be told, I don’t even like birthday parties that much (I mean I will have them but ya know). I think it’s my anxiety really, all that attention on me makes me nervous. Maybe all writers are like that and it’s sort of counter intuitive. You want to share your work with the world but also want to hide in the shadows at the same time. It is difficult to have both I suppose.

I’m going to do this and I’m really going to face my fears while doing this. I think that’s the most important part of this whole journey. Growing past the things that scare me and learning more about myself in the process. Still haven’t gotten over my minor agoraphobia but I’m gonna get there. Oh yea, I didn’t mention that, I have a big fear of leaving my house. I do leave my house but I’m at a heightened state of anxiety the whole time I’m out. It sucks but I’m working on getting better. So yea, it’s time to face my fears and grow.

A. Rose

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Oh, Editing

Not exactly my favorite part of writing but definitely a much needed process. I will admit that while I can cook up a story, often times my grammar and structure fall to the wayside. I’m in such a hurry to get the story out, which causes me to overlook things that I probably should not be. I mean who could fault me? We all do it.

I appreciate my editors more than I can say. A second set of eyes is more than a want for me, it is a need. Without them this book would most likely be a very big mess. Even if I go back and read my own work (which I do), there are things that I will miss. There are things that I have missed that they have caught, much to my appreciation. Not to mention the very helpful constructive criticism I receive. So if you love this book, you have them to thank as well.

I’m happy that I am in the editing stages because that means I’m almost ready to publish. I will be publishing in January, I want to wait until my boyfriend and I are settled after we move before I add anything else to my plate. Right now I am trying to find ways to promote myself and get some small hype around this book. I am also figuring out how to throw a release party as well. These are things I need help with. I need book reviewers, small independent book stores that would be interested in my book, and ways to get the word out there. I cannot do that without a network and without support.

It may be a lot to ask but I typically don’t ask for much. So as I am editing and getting this book put together, I hope to get people interested in it. How do you do this? What would you suggest?

A. Rose

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Sneak Peek!

Here is a sneak peek at the cover art that I am currently considering. It is my current top front-runner, done by the absolutely amazing John Lombardi of Illume Allure Imagery. Words cannot express how much I enjoy his work! Tell me what you think. Do you like it? Do you hate it? What else would you like to see on the cover?8S2A8513-Edit-Edit-Edit

A. Rose

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Using Insomnia to My Advantage

I spend a whole lot of nights awake for seemingly no reason at all. Well, not no reason, insomnia is the reason. For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. It is both a blessing and a curse. The curse part is obviously being tired all the damn time and then having people tell me I’m too young to be tired (like they could possibly know anything about my life).

I stare at the ceiling, I watch countless amounts of TV, I read a lot of books, but most of all I write. I figure if I’m not sleeping, I might as well be productive somehow. Much of Imitatore was written in the dead of night, while watching reruns of Intervention on Hulu. Writing is and always has been a pretty solitary time for me, I find it easier to be creative when I’m alone. It is much easier when I feel like absolutely no one is watching me. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep in what I’m pretty sure is years. Despite the myriad of medications I have been on for this problem, nothing ever really seems to help. I haven’t felt rested in so long that I think the only way I will be able to exist is exhausted. The horrible part about all of this is that fact that if I don’t sleep, that means I don’t dream either. Imitatore is ultimately a dream world of mine, one I have actually been deprived of for a while now. I am glad I finished the book but I really miss dreaming about the world I created. Hell, I miss sleeping.

As I begin the sequel to Imitatore, I am hoping that with the adjustment of my meds, my sleep problems will get better. There are no guarantees really since nothing has worked before but I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

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Going for Broke

A phrase used quite a lot but it is definitely something I always feel like I am doing. I put my all into pretty much everything I do and I hardly ever expect results from it. The reason for this is because I love the things that I do. If someone else loves them too, that’s great, but it is not the only reason I do things. That sounds crazy full of myself but I promise you I am not.

I spend a lot of time wondering why I do things, or rather, why I try to do things. I am constantly plagued with self-doubt and anxiety, so the additional stress at times hardly seems worth it. Truth be told, nine times out of ten I give up on a project before it is even finished. I have so many unfinished poems and stories that I don’t even know if I would qualify myself as a writer sometimes. It is all very, woe is me, but whatever. Where am I going with this? Oh yea that’s right, going for broke.

With Imitatore, I am going for broke. I am going to self-publish this book and put myself further out there than I ever have before. It is absolutely the most nerve racking thing I will ever do and I do burlesque. I have a hard time sharing my writing, simply because I am always afraid that no one will like it or understand it. I know, that in the end that part doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel about the work that I put out but it is still nice if someone likes what I do. There are no guarantees that anyone will like Imitatore, none at all but I am not going to let that stop me; not this time.

With self-publishing comes inevitable expenses and as a broke college student, that word scares me. I don’t know if I could work up the courage to do a gofundme or a kickstarter because I really hate asking for money. That and I have no idea who would want to donate to something like that. Especially when there is no guarantee that this book will even be successful. I know I have to do something because I believe in this project, I just don’t know what I am going to do yet. I need luck, confidence, and so many other things. I am slowly finding them along the way, hopefully everything falls into place soon.

 

What have some of you done in your own self-publishing journeys? Have you raised money through a crowdfunding campaign or did you go it alone?

A. Rose