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Oh The Frigid Cold

Sometimes I wonder why I still live in Minnesota. I mean, I was moved here as a child so it is not like I had much choice in the matter. There is also the fact that I don’t really see myself living anywhere else. EXCEPT, for days like these.

It is so cold that my nose hairs freeze the second I walk outside. That is absurd and quite frankly, this weather is just disrespectful. I would rather be home writing or doing homework but unfortunately, every one else at the office is out today, which means that I have to be here. Honestly, I’m glad I am privileged enough to have a vehicle because I don’t know what else I would do. Normally, I take the bus to work but I just could not do it today.

I hope everyone else is finding ways to stay warm. I know I’m wearing way too many layers and I’m uncomfortable at my desk haha. We will see how the day goes but I cannot wait for this polar vortex to be over.

A. Rose

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Complicated

So my book signing at Barnes & Noble is Saturday. I am thrilled to get this underway and hope the turnout is good.

I have been going through and dealing with some very complicated things in my personal life. Suffice to say, I am trying to push through but that does not seem to be working much anymore. I continue to write because it distracts me from that reality but sooner or later I am going to have to be honest with myself.

Mental illness is a tricky thing. Its a hard thing. Its a complicated thing. One day you’re fine, the next day you’re not and you’re not even sure why. I haven’t been okay in a while even though I have been telling everyone that I am. I wear a mask in everyday life but that mask is starting to crack and fall apart. My ruse at some point will no longer work. I do not want to go into much detail about everything as there are people I would prefer not know everything.

This post ended up being sadder than I expected it to be but if I can’t be honest on my own blog, where else can I be? Mental illness is kicking me in the face. I am treading water and no longer have the energy to even try and swim. I find solace in my writing because besides my relationship, it’s about all I have left to cling to.

But again, on a lighter note. I hope to see you at my signing Saturday if you’re in the area. Good tidings and happy days to you all.

A. Rose

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Dreaming Big Dreams

When I sleep, I see my name in big lights. When I daydream, I see the exact same thing. One thing I can say about myself, is that I think about my future pretty much every second of everyday. Let me tell you something, this is absolutely the most stressful thing for me. I have a super hard time just existing in the present. My mind is a constant string of “what ifs” and then it just keeps spiraling.  Sometimes my future scenarios are good and they make me happy, sometimes they are absolutely terrible and frightening.

I have always had very large aspirations, some even bigger than I believe I am actually capable of. I know, I know, I’ve got to learn to believe in myself but again, I am not in therapy for no reason. I spend a lot of my time trying to find my place in this world. Trying to find the thing that I am really destined to do or to be. Pretty much every one spends a majority of their time doing this, so I’m not special in that respect. Anyways, in my heart, I have always felt like I was destined for something great. Even now I still sometimes feel that way. Honestly, I am still searching for my place on this pale blue dot.

When I was younger, I was seriously convinced that I would grow up to be a musician. I knew damn well I wasn’t really talented in that respect and there are like no super famous oboe players. Or maybe there are and I just don’t know any. Then I thought I was going to be a dancer. Funny thing is, I can’t dance for crap; I have like one move and that’s it. Then I thought I was going to be a doctor but I slowly learned that I do not have the stomach or patience for that kind of work. Honestly, it was just one thing after another that I knew I wasn’t even that good at. I just thought if I practiced hard enough, maybe I’d get crazy good. Which probably would have worked but I never practiced. When I picked up writing, I slowly realized that it was something I loved to do. Even if I wasn’t good at it, I loved it all the same.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve “finally found my place” because honestly, I don’t feel like I have yet. I will say that I have found something that calls to me in a way nothing else ever has. I do know that even if I don’t hit it big with anything I write, I am happy to have written it.

A. Rose