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Waiting is Torture

I am so ready to get this book out there and the wait is driving me crazy. I know, editing and formatting are things that cannot be skipped. These things are really the most crucial part of the process but I am so ready.

I have been emailing bookstores and now I’m trying to find book reviewers as well. I am trying to really set myself up for the most success possible. I am terrible at self-promotion because I hate talking about myself. I always feel like I’m bragging or something and it makes me super uncomfortable. However, I am really going to have to get over that. Like super fast.

It is something that I work on in therapy constantly. Being able to believe in myself and stop selling myself short on everything I do. I have to learn that it’s okay to be proud of myself and it is okay to celebrate my accomplishments. But how on Earth do I do that? How does anyone really?

This is what is holding me back from having a release party. I want to do it but it would basically be an entire celebration about me. Truth be told, I don’t even like birthday parties that much (I mean I will have them but ya know). I think it’s my anxiety really, all that attention on me makes me nervous. Maybe all writers are like that and it’s sort of counter intuitive. You want to share your work with the world but also want to hide in the shadows at the same time. It is difficult to have both I suppose.

I’m going to do this and I’m really going to face my fears while doing this. I think that’s the most important part of this whole journey. Growing past the things that scare me and learning more about myself in the process. Still haven’t gotten over my minor agoraphobia but I’m gonna get there. Oh yea, I didn’t mention that, I have a big fear of leaving my house. I do leave my house but I’m at a heightened state of anxiety the whole time I’m out. It sucks but I’m working on getting better. So yea, it’s time to face my fears and grow.

A. Rose

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Not Running Away

There are times when I get scared, a lot more than I would like to. It often causes me to give up on projects before they are even finished because I’m too afraid of the possible outcome. Right now is really no different than all of those other times.

I am afraid. I’m afraid of failing, I am afraid of putting myself so far out there, and most of all I am afraid of disappointing those that believe in me. I think that this is a rational fear to have, even if I hate it. I guess that if I’m not scared then that must mean that I don’t care, right? At least that’s what people say. Right now, the only thing my brain is telling me to do is to “tuck my tail and run” but I am not going to do that. The only way I can disappoint those that believe in me, is to quit.

Like I have said many times, this is a dream that I have had for so long. If I give up on it, I really would be letting myself down more than anyone else. All my life I have wanted to be a writer and now the opportunity is starting me in the face; it makes me incredibly anxious. What if it turns out that I’m not a writer at all? That I’m not as talented as I hope that I am? I know I have to believe in myself and part of me does, it’s just that mental illness part of me that picks at that. This may be a ‘woe is me’ post but hey, its my blog. Imitatore means everything to me. I have put in so much time, effort, sleepless nights, and now money. I just don’t want it all to be for nothing.

I have to believe that it won’t be. I have to believe that this book will reach someone somewhere. In fact, I know that it will.

A. Rose

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We Did It!!!

With great joy I am here to announce that my GoFundMe campaign goal has been met! I seriously am crying from all the overwhelming support I have received from friends and strangers. Your belief in me is absolutely more than I can handle and I don’t know how I am ever going to repay any of you.

You all have helped me realize a dream that I never thought I would get to, let alone even set out to accomplish in the first place. I know I talk about my mental illnesses a lot but they are very real and they often stand in my way. I am hoping that I will be able to stave them off long enough to see this through. Of course, I am going to publish, I just don’t want to fall off on promoting myself.

So again, thank you all for your support and Imitatore will be coming to you all soon! I will keep you updated. Also my GoFundMe will stay up for a few days for any other donations that may come in! Much Love!

 

A. Rose

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Using Insomnia to My Advantage

I spend a whole lot of nights awake for seemingly no reason at all. Well, not no reason, insomnia is the reason. For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. It is both a blessing and a curse. The curse part is obviously being tired all the damn time and then having people tell me I’m too young to be tired (like they could possibly know anything about my life).

I stare at the ceiling, I watch countless amounts of TV, I read a lot of books, but most of all I write. I figure if I’m not sleeping, I might as well be productive somehow. Much of Imitatore was written in the dead of night, while watching reruns of Intervention on Hulu. Writing is and always has been a pretty solitary time for me, I find it easier to be creative when I’m alone. It is much easier when I feel like absolutely no one is watching me. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep in what I’m pretty sure is years. Despite the myriad of medications I have been on for this problem, nothing ever really seems to help. I haven’t felt rested in so long that I think the only way I will be able to exist is exhausted. The horrible part about all of this is that fact that if I don’t sleep, that means I don’t dream either. Imitatore is ultimately a dream world of mine, one I have actually been deprived of for a while now. I am glad I finished the book but I really miss dreaming about the world I created. Hell, I miss sleeping.

As I begin the sequel to Imitatore, I am hoping that with the adjustment of my meds, my sleep problems will get better. There are no guarantees really since nothing has worked before but I’ll keep my fingers crossed.