blog

Complicated

So my book signing at Barnes & Noble is Saturday. I am thrilled to get this underway and hope the turnout is good.

I have been going through and dealing with some very complicated things in my personal life. Suffice to say, I am trying to push through but that does not seem to be working much anymore. I continue to write because it distracts me from that reality but sooner or later I am going to have to be honest with myself.

Mental illness is a tricky thing. Its a hard thing. Its a complicated thing. One day you’re fine, the next day you’re not and you’re not even sure why. I haven’t been okay in a while even though I have been telling everyone that I am. I wear a mask in everyday life but that mask is starting to crack and fall apart. My ruse at some point will no longer work. I do not want to go into much detail about everything as there are people I would prefer not know everything.

This post ended up being sadder than I expected it to be but if I can’t be honest on my own blog, where else can I be? Mental illness is kicking me in the face. I am treading water and no longer have the energy to even try and swim. I find solace in my writing because besides my relationship, it’s about all I have left to cling to.

But again, on a lighter note. I hope to see you at my signing Saturday if you’re in the area. Good tidings and happy days to you all.

A. Rose

blog

Another Journey

I have been away writing and working on promotion, things like that. I also have to be honest and say that I have been slightly isolating myself as well. I am on a new mental health journey and it is taking a bit of a toll on me.

All my life, I have been the girl with anxiety and depression. That’s what it has always been, nothing more, nothing less. I am reaching a point in my life and journey where I am now realizing that it may be much more than that. I have to get an assessment and confirm what this is before I tell anyone. Just know that I am still here, still writing, and still very thankful for you all.

I hope to see you at my book signing on April 7th!

A. Rose

blog

Writing, Writing, and More Writing

That’s pretty much what I’ve been up to. Well that and a ridiculous amount of self-promotion. Also, reading since I’ve had some time. This is my version of busy and it is a version I enjoy. Couple all of this with school and I’m surprised that I have any time to sleep.

It’s exciting to be doing things I love to do, that’s for sure. Keeping up with these things will be another struggle all its own. I tend to lose motivation rather suddenly and then next thing I know is that I’m spending all my time napping. That usually means it’s time for my medication to be adjusted. Chronic fatigue sucks and since mine is a symptom of my clinical depression, it just makes it worse. If my chronic fatigue comes back, then I know a depressive relapse is just around the corner. I don’t want to deal with that again. Like, I literally just got out of a major depressive episode that was actually pretty scary for me. I don’t know if I could handle it all over again. Inevitably, I will most likely have to but I would rather not think about it.

I have been feeling a lot better since I started my medication but my chronic fatigue is slowly creeping back. I am just exhausted no matter what I do. So I have an appointment Friday so I can head this off and adjust my meds before it’s too late. Hopefully all I need is a simple adjustment and not an entire change. Getting used to new antidepressants is the worst.

For now I’ll continue to push through and hold on to doing the things that I love.

A. Rose

blog

Using Insomnia to My Advantage

I spend a whole lot of nights awake for seemingly no reason at all. Well, not no reason, insomnia is the reason. For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. It is both a blessing and a curse. The curse part is obviously being tired all the damn time and then having people tell me I’m too young to be tired (like they could possibly know anything about my life).

I stare at the ceiling, I watch countless amounts of TV, I read a lot of books, but most of all I write. I figure if I’m not sleeping, I might as well be productive somehow. Much of Imitatore was written in the dead of night, while watching reruns of Intervention on Hulu. Writing is and always has been a pretty solitary time for me, I find it easier to be creative when I’m alone. It is much easier when I feel like absolutely no one is watching me. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep in what I’m pretty sure is years. Despite the myriad of medications I have been on for this problem, nothing ever really seems to help. I haven’t felt rested in so long that I think the only way I will be able to exist is exhausted. The horrible part about all of this is that fact that if I don’t sleep, that means I don’t dream either. Imitatore is ultimately a dream world of mine, one I have actually been deprived of for a while now. I am glad I finished the book but I really miss dreaming about the world I created. Hell, I miss sleeping.

As I begin the sequel to Imitatore, I am hoping that with the adjustment of my meds, my sleep problems will get better. There are no guarantees really since nothing has worked before but I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

blog

What I am Afraid Of

I am afraid of a lot of things really but this post is not about every single one of my fears. That can be a different post for a different time because trust me, that is a really long list. Right now, I mean my fears about Imitatore, about publishing, and about putting myself out there.

My biggest fear is pretty obvious and pretty standard if you are a writer or any type of artist. I am scared to death that everyone will hate it. Maybe not hate it but I am afraid that it will not be as entertaining as I hope it will be. However, I cannot fault anyone for not liking it and I really would not be upset if you didn’t. Everyone likes different things and you are in no way obligated to like Imitatore at all. It’s just, I am really hard on myself and have convinced myself that this book may not be as good as I think that it is. Anxiety and depression will do that to ya I guess.

I have spent the better part of my life hiding my writing from the world. I guess most writers do this but I do it far more often than I would like to. For the most part, I write in secret and then I keep it secret until the end of time. So putting myself out there on this big of a scale is frightening, to say the least. While I am not entirely concerned with being some kind of “overnight success”, I do hope there is someone out there who enjoys my work. Really, I am doing this to see if I can. To see if I can put myself out there and have no real fear about the outcome. My goal is not really for monetary gain, though that would be nice, it is not the end-all-be-all for me. I mean, who doesn’t love money?

My goal is to share, to put out a story that includes representation, and to genuinely give myself a chance to be the writer that I want to be. So I guess another fear is that I will fail at all of that. We as people all have fears, its just about how we navigate them. Not saying that everyone should “face their fears” because I believe a statement like that is asinine. Not everyone can “face their fears”, I of all people know that very well. This is just something that I feel like I have to do. That I need to do.

Even though being this exposed scares the absolute shit of me. I’m going to do it anyway and with any luck, you’ll all love Imitatore in your own ways.

A. Rose

blog

Why Now?

This is a question that I ask myself a lot, especially these days. Why am I doing this now? Why did I wait so long? Why don’t I wait a little longer? My mind is full of questions and doubts as I go through this process. Writing is something that I have always loved and while my depression often gets in the way of the things that I love, I always come back to writing somehow.

I have tried my hand at many different things, as most people do when they are searching for a place in life. I think I have actually spent more time trying new pursuits¬†than I have with sticking with just one thing. Honestly, I have spent pretty much all of my life so far just looking for a place I belong in. To me, that sounds crazy high school but I am slowly realizing that even adults struggle with this. That even adults just want to feel like we belong somewhere, like we are going to be someone, and even that we¬†are going to make a difference in the world. It may be cliche but it’s the truth.

I had a realization this year, one I was finally happy to have. I realized that not fitting in anywhere, is exactly who I am meant to be. Being a writer typically means being solo, it means being stuck in my own head, but most of all it means that there are molds that I want to break. Now I know what you’re thinking, is this a goddamn manifesto? Ha, no. I am not trying to be on my soapbox in the least bit. I’ve just learned that is time for me to do what I want to do and let go of the fear of ‘not fitting in’. It is a difficult thing to do when I also have anxiety to go along with my depression but I have to start doing what makes me happy.

Imitatore has helped me with this so much. Writing this novel has been the happiest I’ve ever been (well next to being with my boyfriend, he’s my number one happy). How about I say, this is the happiest I’ve ever been in my own life outside of my relationship life. Imitatore is a culmination of years of therapy, medication treatment, mental breakdowns, and alternative therapies. Again, sounds ridiculous and cliche but I can’t help if I am ridiculous and cliche. Writing this novel has changed me, most of all it has helped me see that my path is to write. While I will maintain going to college and finishing my psychology degree, I will never leave writing behind.

A. Rose