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Another Journey

I have been away writing and working on promotion, things like that. I also have to be honest and say that I have been slightly isolating myself as well. I am on a new mental health journey and it is taking a bit of a toll on me.

All my life, I have been the girl with anxiety and depression. That’s what it has always been, nothing more, nothing less. I am reaching a point in my life and journey where I am now realizing that it may be much more than that. I have to get an assessment and confirm what this is before I tell anyone. Just know that I am still here, still writing, and still very thankful for you all.

I hope to see you at my book signing on April 7th!

A. Rose

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Dreaming Big Dreams

When I sleep, I see my name in big lights. When I daydream, I see the exact same thing. One thing I can say about myself, is that I think about my future pretty much every second of everyday. Let me tell you something, this is absolutely the most stressful thing for me. I have a super hard time just existing in the present. My mind is a constant string of “what ifs” and then it just keeps spiraling.  Sometimes my future scenarios are good and they make me happy, sometimes they are absolutely terrible and frightening.

I have always had very large aspirations, some even bigger than I believe I am actually capable of. I know, I know, I’ve got to learn to believe in myself but again, I am not in therapy for no reason. I spend a lot of my time trying to find my place in this world. Trying to find the thing that I am really destined to do or to be. Pretty much every one spends a majority of their time doing this, so I’m not special in that respect. Anyways, in my heart, I have always felt like I was destined for something great. Even now I still sometimes feel that way. Honestly, I am still searching for my place on this pale blue dot.

When I was younger, I was seriously convinced that I would grow up to be a musician. I knew damn well I wasn’t really talented in that respect and there are like no super famous oboe players. Or maybe there are and I just don’t know any. Then I thought I was going to be a dancer. Funny thing is, I can’t dance for crap; I have like one move and that’s it. Then I thought I was going to be a doctor but I slowly learned that I do not have the stomach or patience for that kind of work. Honestly, it was just one thing after another that I knew I wasn’t even that good at. I just thought if I practiced hard enough, maybe I’d get crazy good. Which probably would have worked but I never practiced. When I picked up writing, I slowly realized that it was something I loved to do. Even if I wasn’t good at it, I loved it all the same.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve “finally found my place” because honestly, I don’t feel like I have yet. I will say that I have found something that calls to me in a way nothing else ever has. I do know that even if I don’t hit it big with anything I write, I am happy to have written it.

A. Rose

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Weird Black Girl (Get to Know Me)

Yes, you read that right. It is a category that I have fit into since childhood, second only to Blerd (Black Nerd). It’s definitely not a bad thing, I will tell you that. Also, I know that I’m not the only one. I have never categorized the word ‘weird’ as bad in any way. If you do, then I apologize for any offense it may cause.

I have always been into different things. I realized this at a young age when I figured out Evanescence was. I had always been a music lover but I slowly learned that I really wasn’t into a lot of the music my peers and family were into. Like I will seriously listen to Breaking Benjamin and LIGHTS every day of the week.

Then I discovered my love for fiction, mostly fantasy fiction. I love superpowers and  superheros and worlds that have been created from scratch. I got super into that early on in life as well. I cannot tell you what the first fantasy book I read was because that was such a long time ago. I do know that one of my favorite series of books was the Eragon series, which I believe came out in like 2002. I absolutely loved those books and I’m actually kind of sad that I don’t own any. Secondly, I love absolutely anything by Octavia E. Butler, she is actually my idol when it comes to writing; even though she is no longer alive. There are many more but I can never think of them right off the top of my head. I never really got super into Harry Potter (don’t hate me). I have seen all the movies but never honestly made it through all the books. Doesn’t mean that I don’t like it, I just haven’t read enough to say if I do or not.

What can I say? I love magic, intrigue, mystical beasts, and mystical worlds. I mean I love a story that allows me to just completely escape inside it. Like, who doesn’t like that when they read a book?

So that’s me, though it’s not everything about me. I love alternative music, consider myself an adult goth, and just recently read the Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children series (I loved it by the way). Secretly, I still wish I had magic powers that I have yet to unlock and I’m 25 years old. I think that’s the kid in me and I honestly hope that never goes away.

A. Rose

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Oh, Editing

Not exactly my favorite part of writing but definitely a much needed process. I will admit that while I can cook up a story, often times my grammar and structure fall to the wayside. I’m in such a hurry to get the story out, which causes me to overlook things that I probably should not be. I mean who could fault me? We all do it.

I appreciate my editors more than I can say. A second set of eyes is more than a want for me, it is a need. Without them this book would most likely be a very big mess. Even if I go back and read my own work (which I do), there are things that I will miss. There are things that I have missed that they have caught, much to my appreciation. Not to mention the very helpful constructive criticism I receive. So if you love this book, you have them to thank as well.

I’m happy that I am in the editing stages because that means I’m almost ready to publish. I will be publishing in January, I want to wait until my boyfriend and I are settled after we move before I add anything else to my plate. Right now I am trying to find ways to promote myself and get some small hype around this book. I am also figuring out how to throw a release party as well. These are things I need help with. I need book reviewers, small independent book stores that would be interested in my book, and ways to get the word out there. I cannot do that without a network and without support.

It may be a lot to ask but I typically don’t ask for much. So as I am editing and getting this book put together, I hope to get people interested in it. How do you do this? What would you suggest?

A. Rose

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Not Running Away

There are times when I get scared, a lot more than I would like to. It often causes me to give up on projects before they are even finished because I’m too afraid of the possible outcome. Right now is really no different than all of those other times.

I am afraid. I’m afraid of failing, I am afraid of putting myself so far out there, and most of all I am afraid of disappointing those that believe in me. I think that this is a rational fear to have, even if I hate it. I guess that if I’m not scared then that must mean that I don’t care, right? At least that’s what people say. Right now, the only thing my brain is telling me to do is to “tuck my tail and run” but I am not going to do that. The only way I can disappoint those that believe in me, is to quit.

Like I have said many times, this is a dream that I have had for so long. If I give up on it, I really would be letting myself down more than anyone else. All my life I have wanted to be a writer and now the opportunity is starting me in the face; it makes me incredibly anxious. What if it turns out that I’m not a writer at all? That I’m not as talented as I hope that I am? I know I have to believe in myself and part of me does, it’s just that mental illness part of me that picks at that. This may be a ‘woe is me’ post but hey, its my blog. Imitatore means everything to me. I have put in so much time, effort, sleepless nights, and now money. I just don’t want it all to be for nothing.

I have to believe that it won’t be. I have to believe that this book will reach someone somewhere. In fact, I know that it will.

A. Rose