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Another Journey

I have been away writing and working on promotion, things like that. I also have to be honest and say that I have been slightly isolating myself as well. I am on a new mental health journey and it is taking a bit of a toll on me.

All my life, I have been the girl with anxiety and depression. That’s what it has always been, nothing more, nothing less. I am reaching a point in my life and journey where I am now realizing that it may be much more than that. I have to get an assessment and confirm what this is before I tell anyone. Just know that I am still here, still writing, and still very thankful for you all.

I hope to see you at my book signing on April 7th!

A. Rose

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Dreaming Big Dreams

When I sleep, I see my name in big lights. When I daydream, I see the exact same thing. One thing I can say about myself, is that I think about my future pretty much every second of everyday. Let me tell you something, this is absolutely the most stressful thing for me. I have a super hard time just existing in the present. My mind is a constant string of “what ifs” and then it just keeps spiraling.  Sometimes my future scenarios are good and they make me happy, sometimes they are absolutely terrible and frightening.

I have always had very large aspirations, some even bigger than I believe I am actually capable of. I know, I know, I’ve got to learn to believe in myself but again, I am not in therapy for no reason. I spend a lot of my time trying to find my place in this world. Trying to find the thing that I am really destined to do or to be. Pretty much every one spends a majority of their time doing this, so I’m not special in that respect. Anyways, in my heart, I have always felt like I was destined for something great. Even now I still sometimes feel that way. Honestly, I am still searching for my place on this pale blue dot.

When I was younger, I was seriously convinced that I would grow up to be a musician. I knew damn well I wasn’t really talented in that respect and there are like no super famous oboe players. Or maybe there are and I just don’t know any. Then I thought I was going to be a dancer. Funny thing is, I can’t dance for crap; I have like one move and that’s it. Then I thought I was going to be a doctor but I slowly learned that I do not have the stomach or patience for that kind of work. Honestly, it was just one thing after another that I knew I wasn’t even that good at. I just thought if I practiced hard enough, maybe I’d get crazy good. Which probably would have worked but I never practiced. When I picked up writing, I slowly realized that it was something I loved to do. Even if I wasn’t good at it, I loved it all the same.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve “finally found my place” because honestly, I don’t feel like I have yet. I will say that I have found something that calls to me in a way nothing else ever has. I do know that even if I don’t hit it big with anything I write, I am happy to have written it.

A. Rose

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Weird Black Girl (Get to Know Me)

Yes, you read that right. It is a category that I have fit into since childhood, second only to Blerd (Black Nerd). It’s definitely not a bad thing, I will tell you that. Also, I know that I’m not the only one. I have never categorized the word ‘weird’ as bad in any way. If you do, then I apologize for any offense it may cause.

I have always been into different things. I realized this at a young age when I figured out Evanescence was. I had always been a music lover but I slowly learned that I really wasn’t into a lot of the music my peers and family were into. Like I will seriously listen to Breaking Benjamin and LIGHTS every day of the week.

Then I discovered my love for fiction, mostly fantasy fiction. I love superpowers and  superheros and worlds that have been created from scratch. I got super into that early on in life as well. I cannot tell you what the first fantasy book I read was because that was such a long time ago. I do know that one of my favorite series of books was the Eragon series, which I believe came out in like 2002. I absolutely loved those books and I’m actually kind of sad that I don’t own any. Secondly, I love absolutely anything by Octavia E. Butler, she is actually my idol when it comes to writing; even though she is no longer alive. There are many more but I can never think of them right off the top of my head. I never really got super into Harry Potter (don’t hate me). I have seen all the movies but never honestly made it through all the books. Doesn’t mean that I don’t like it, I just haven’t read enough to say if I do or not.

What can I say? I love magic, intrigue, mystical beasts, and mystical worlds. I mean I love a story that allows me to just completely escape inside it. Like, who doesn’t like that when they read a book?

So that’s me, though it’s not everything about me. I love alternative music, consider myself an adult goth, and just recently read the Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children series (I loved it by the way). Secretly, I still wish I had magic powers that I have yet to unlock and I’m 25 years old. I think that’s the kid in me and I honestly hope that never goes away.

A. Rose

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Oh, Editing

Not exactly my favorite part of writing but definitely a much needed process. I will admit that while I can cook up a story, often times my grammar and structure fall to the wayside. I’m in such a hurry to get the story out, which causes me to overlook things that I probably should not be. I mean who could fault me? We all do it.

I appreciate my editors more than I can say. A second set of eyes is more than a want for me, it is a need. Without them this book would most likely be a very big mess. Even if I go back and read my own work (which I do), there are things that I will miss. There are things that I have missed that they have caught, much to my appreciation. Not to mention the very helpful constructive criticism I receive. So if you love this book, you have them to thank as well.

I’m happy that I am in the editing stages because that means I’m almost ready to publish. I will be publishing in January, I want to wait until my boyfriend and I are settled after we move before I add anything else to my plate. Right now I am trying to find ways to promote myself and get some small hype around this book. I am also figuring out how to throw a release party as well. These are things I need help with. I need book reviewers, small independent book stores that would be interested in my book, and ways to get the word out there. I cannot do that without a network and without support.

It may be a lot to ask but I typically don’t ask for much. So as I am editing and getting this book put together, I hope to get people interested in it. How do you do this? What would you suggest?

A. Rose

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Not Running Away

There are times when I get scared, a lot more than I would like to. It often causes me to give up on projects before they are even finished because I’m too afraid of the possible outcome. Right now is really no different than all of those other times.

I am afraid. I’m afraid of failing, I am afraid of putting myself so far out there, and most of all I am afraid of disappointing those that believe in me. I think that this is a rational fear to have, even if I hate it. I guess that if I’m not scared then that must mean that I don’t care, right? At least that’s what people say. Right now, the only thing my brain is telling me to do is to “tuck my tail and run” but I am not going to do that. The only way I can disappoint those that believe in me, is to quit.

Like I have said many times, this is a dream that I have had for so long. If I give up on it, I really would be letting myself down more than anyone else. All my life I have wanted to be a writer and now the opportunity is starting me in the face; it makes me incredibly anxious. What if it turns out that I’m not a writer at all? That I’m not as talented as I hope that I am? I know I have to believe in myself and part of me does, it’s just that mental illness part of me that picks at that. This may be a ‘woe is me’ post but hey, its my blog. Imitatore means everything to me. I have put in so much time, effort, sleepless nights, and now money. I just don’t want it all to be for nothing.

I have to believe that it won’t be. I have to believe that this book will reach someone somewhere. In fact, I know that it will.

A. Rose

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More Than Thankful

There are so many people that I cannot thank enough and you all know who you are. Sometimes it is difficult for me to express my gratitude in words because I am a horribly awkward person. I know, a lot of you don’t think that I am but I am pretty good at playing it cool on the outside. Not that being an awkward person is even a bad thing but I will say that at times it is incredibly frustrating.

See, without you all, none of this would really even be happening right now. Sure, I wrote the story but it is all of you that are turning it into something real for me. Whether you are my beta readers, my editors, just here to support, or even someone who donated to my project. There is no way that I can even begin to say how happy you all truly make me.

To my beta readers and editors especially, you all are the most wonderful people I have ever met (well besides my boyfriend obviously). You have taken time out of your lives and days to read my ridiculous book and give me much needed feedback. Something you are in no way required to do but have done it anyway. I cannot imagine why you all jumped on this ridiculous train ride with me but thank you for doing so. Even if you end up hating my book, thank you for taking the time to read it anyway.

Lastly, my lovely, wonderful, intelligent, funny, sweet, kind, and caring boyfriend. My shining star, my rock, my guiding force, and so much more incredibly gross mushy stuff. I love you and without you I don’t know if I would have ever been able to do this. Your unflinching support means so much to me and I know I don’t say it often but I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. You always inspire me, every single day and sure you don’t realize that but you really, truly do. Not to mention the fact that you make me feel like I can accomplish anything and that is something I will always need.

A. Rose

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What I am Afraid Of

I am afraid of a lot of things really but this post is not about every single one of my fears. That can be a different post for a different time because trust me, that is a really long list. Right now, I mean my fears about Imitatore, about publishing, and about putting myself out there.

My biggest fear is pretty obvious and pretty standard if you are a writer or any type of artist. I am scared to death that everyone will hate it. Maybe not hate it but I am afraid that it will not be as entertaining as I hope it will be. However, I cannot fault anyone for not liking it and I really would not be upset if you didn’t. Everyone likes different things and you are in no way obligated to like Imitatore at all. It’s just, I am really hard on myself and have convinced myself that this book may not be as good as I think that it is. Anxiety and depression will do that to ya I guess.

I have spent the better part of my life hiding my writing from the world. I guess most writers do this but I do it far more often than I would like to. For the most part, I write in secret and then I keep it secret until the end of time. So putting myself out there on this big of a scale is frightening, to say the least. While I am not entirely concerned with being some kind of “overnight success”, I do hope there is someone out there who enjoys my work. Really, I am doing this to see if I can. To see if I can put myself out there and have no real fear about the outcome. My goal is not really for monetary gain, though that would be nice, it is not the end-all-be-all for me. I mean, who doesn’t love money?

My goal is to share, to put out a story that includes representation, and to genuinely give myself a chance to be the writer that I want to be. So I guess another fear is that I will fail at all of that. We as people all have fears, its just about how we navigate them. Not saying that everyone should “face their fears” because I believe a statement like that is asinine. Not everyone can “face their fears”, I of all people know that very well. This is just something that I feel like I have to do. That I need to do.

Even though being this exposed scares the absolute shit of me. I’m going to do it anyway and with any luck, you’ll all love Imitatore in your own ways.

A. Rose